Digital Underground - uXu - Underground eXperts United #uxu-161

### ### ### ### ### #### ### ### ### #### ### ### ##### ### ### ### ### ### ### ### ### ### ##### ### ### ########## ### ### ########## ### ### ### ### Underground eXperts United Presents... ####### ## ## ####### # # #### ####### #### ## ## ## ## ##### ## ## ## #### ## ## #### # # ## ####### ## ## ## ## ## ##### ## ## ## ## ## ## ####### ####### # # ###### ####### ###### [ An Amazing Christmas Tale ] [ By The GNN ] ____________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________ "AN AMAZING CHRISTMAS TALE" by THE GNN/DualCrew-Shining/uXu (No, it is 'A amazing tale') (Fuck you, it is 'AN amazing tale') SUCKER! HA HA HAAA! It was Christmas evening. Pete was desperately trying to find his dads cars keys, which was obviously hidden somewhere in the house. His dad hated him for borrowing the car without asking. Pete had looked everywhere and now he had even crawled under his parents bed to look. The keys were not there. A lot of dust entered his already cocaine-stuffed nose. - Shit! He slammed the door to his parents bedroom shut and went downstairs. His mother stood by this years most distastefully decorated Christmas tree in the kitchen and looked depressed. She had a cigarette in her mouth and tried hard to light it with a blow torch, the only gift she had received during the evening (except for the pornographic video 'Black Butt Busters' ("You need education my dear")) - Where is dad? Pete asked and looked around in paranoia. - Here, his mother answered without a sign of feelings. - Here? I cannot see him? Is he in the living room? I guess I will have to go there and... His mother pointed at the tree. - He is there. - In the tree?! Pete wondered for a short moment if his mother had stolen some of his magic mushrooms. - No, under it. She was right. His father lay under the tree, puking and coughing, a result after too much champagne and cigars. Pete bent down. - Eh... dad? - Grumble... hick... cough. - Dad, where are the car keys? - A thief! Hick! My car! A thief! Die! His father quickly stumbled to his feet and ran to the living room, where he grabbed a unopened gift. He quickly teared the package apart and grabbed the shotgun that was inside it. ("I bought it for personal defense"). - Dad! Wait! It is me! - Thief! My car! Intruder! Die! Pete froze when his father aimed the gun at him. It was not everyday he stared into the barrel of a twelve gauge. Well, it happened now and then, but Pete had really excluded Christmas eve as a night for violence. Especially from his father. - Dad! It is me! You son! - Who cares? Merry Christmas and a happy new year! Pete's father pulled the trigger. Brain, blood and various other bodily objects spread all over the kitchen. - You have just shot your son, said Pete's mother. - Urp... well, you wanted him to move to another place. Now he can move to heaven and spend the rest of Christmas with Jesus. They can dance around... hick... the tree. Pete, Jesus and God. He will have more fun than we will ever have down here. - I am so glad. You are a genius. Pete's mother sounded quite ironic. They looked at each other with neutral faces. Pete's father placed the shot gun on the Christmas table and looked at his dead son. - I am so sorry... please forgive me. He kneeled in front of Pete's mother. - Please forgive me... what have I done? Blood everywhere! This is horrible, I have ruined your three days of cleaning! - Oh, that is nothing to worry about. Come on, give me a hug and we will forget all about it. She grabbed Pete's father and pulled him up. She laid her arms around him. A loud shot was heard. BOOM. - What the... Pete's father fell to the floor and landed on top of Pete. Blood squirted from the stomach. - Urgel... hick... - Goddamn! You stupid piece of man! Why do you carry your revolver in a shoulder holster on Christmas eve? - Cough... personal defense... *BREAK* How to succeed in life. 1. Help fools to get rid of their money. 2. Blame the victim. 3. Tease adult men who weeps. *BREAK* Pete's father died. He looked quite annoyed when he, a couple of minutes later, was forced to dance with his son and Jesus and God around the tree in paradise. God just kept on singing shitty songs like "Jingle Bells" and "Silent night, holy night". On top of everything, God had dressed himself as Santa Claus. Pete's father wondered if Nietzsche was around. He would probably pay good money for the extermination of God. - I should have bought a pistol instead, Pete's father mumbled. God immediately stopped to dance. Jesus however continued and did not stop until he crashed into Pete's wide open gun shot hole. God stared at Pete's father. - WHAT? Do you own a fu... a GUN? God screamed while hiding his divine Maschinenpistolen A4 ("A small bribe from Hitler") behind his divine back. - Of course, Pete's father answered. To kill intruders. Communists. Are you a communist? You wear red clothes. I see you have a beard. Like Karl Marx. God was in a rage. His face turned jolly red. - You motherfu... GET OUT! - With pleasure. Where is the divine exit? God fumbled in his pockets. After a while, he took up a divine remote control and pressed a divine red button. A divine trap door opened below the feets of Pete's father. Satan laughed when yet another fool fell down to his little charming amusement park. - Greeetings... Satan whispered. Pete's father was not aware that he had been sent to hell. He thought he had, by some reason, been sent to some divine sauna. - Charming place! Pete's father placed a cigarette in his mouth. - Charming! Have you got a lighter my friend? he asked Satan. "He he", Satan thought. "More than enough". (Oh, fuck this story) THE END. *BREAK* How to really succeed in life. 1. Make jokes at funerals. 2. Steal from your friends. 3. Laugh at people who are newly married. *BREAK* *CRASH* /////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// Jingle bells, jingle bells, rave on, rave on... SHUT THE FUCK UP! CALL THE STASH! +46-13-BANG \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ Is it possible for a woman to get pregnant without intercourse? --------------------------------------------------------------------------- uXu #161 Underground eXperts United 1994 uXu #161 Call ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT -> +31-77-547477 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

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