Digital Underground - uXu - Underground eXperts United #uxu-218

### ### ### ### ### #### ### ### ### #### ### ### ##### ### ### ### ### ### ### ### ### ### ##### ### ### ########## ### ### ########## ### ### ### ### Underground eXperts United Presents... ####### ## ## ####### # # ####### #### ####### ## ## ## ## ##### ## ## ## ## #### ## ## #### # # ####### ## ####### ## ## ## ## ##### ## ## ## ## ## ## ####### ####### # # ####### ###### ####### [ Everything You Need To Know About Techno ] [ Ralph 124C41+ ] ____________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________ Everything You Need to Know About Techno (but was to lazy to check up yourself) by Ralph 124C41+ of PowerDrive Hi there, dear reader. This is the first complete collection of knowledge about techno ever published. It will tell you absolutely everything you can possibly need to know about techno. But let's skip the talk and get right into it! THE TALK First of all you must learn to talk in the right way, the text above is totally wrong for instance. It would have sounded something like this: "Yo MaN! dIG dIZ! fUckInG aLL yA nEEd Ta KnOW aBouT tECHno! I wuz FiRST, nO meSS!". Actually you don't talk that way, it only how it's written. If you feel uncertain about what letters should be in capital case you can use a dice or install a random number generator in your keyboard. The way to talk is harder to describe but here you could just put on some sunglasses and keep your mount shut at all times. This is called to be "cool". MOVING There is one move that is *very* important when it comes to techno, it's to point an your knees. In my research I have not found why knees are so important in techno but my preliminary studies indicates some kind of kinky sex. I'll be back if I ever find out. The move itself is made by first sticking out your arm about as a bird wing on a slightly mentally insane seagull, keep your hand flat with all fingers together. Then you just point at your knees. Do this with both arms at the same time. This is done every time you say "Yo!" and a great deal of the rest of the time as well. If you find this move to hard you can just put your hands in your pockets and stand like that. To have dark glasses helps a lot in this situation. This is also a part of being "cool". DANCE This is the easiest part because you can do pretty much what you like, but some basic moves is good to know. A very common one is to stand up with straight arms, then you move your right arm up so that it becomes horizontal, then you take it down again and do the same thing with your left arm. Another common move is to stand up and shake without controll, just fake an epileptic attack and you should do fine. If you are an epileptic you are on the safe side, four your convenience there are lots of flashing lights put up so that you will have it easier to have an epileptic attack. CLOTHES Clothes are very important, you must create your own style. This is done by wearing exactly the same thing as everybody else. If you don't know a lot of people who is into techno you might find it hard to know exactly so let me tell you. First of all you must have some shoes, most people into techno choose Converse All Stars so get a pair of those and you should be on the safe side where footwear is concerned. The rest of the clothing follows one simple rule: loose fit. Just steal your old mans jogging outfit and no one will ever be able to tell you from any other into techno. Another idea is to go to the Weight watchers and ask them for their old clothes. COMPUTERS Computer knowledge is very important if you want to get into techno. You must simply forget everything you know about computers. This might be a bit hard but just pop down to your friendly local drug dealer and ask for something to give you amnesia. DRUGS Drugs is very important in the techno scene, but the choice of drugs is important. The basic rule is: never take any legal drugs. Beer, booze, cigarettes and coffee is totally out of the question. Some things you should try is LSD, XTC, PCP, PVC, DDT... Everything you need will be offered to you so you will never have any problems finding what you need. Sometimes you will be offered energizer drinks, brain drugs and such things, they are often very expensive but they will give you energy to keep on dancing. They can also be found in the local supermarket, except that there it's called "orange juice" or "sugar" (just add water). MUSIC, listening The big problem with listening to techno is to tell the difference between the tunes as they all sound the same. A good advice is to listen for which word is used the most (often just a single word is used in the entire tune) and assume that it is the title of the tune. It also good to learn some of the famous names, this is, unlike other music, not the one who made the music or she one who speaks in the tune but the one which is shown in the video. Often aliases are used like Mr WC, Dr CP, Strawberry Ice-cream and Dr Dengroth. MUSIC, making As mentioned above the most important when making techno is to have a "cool" name, any actual musical talent is not necessary and often it is just in the way. Start with a beat, you can either sample it from some other tune or try to make it yourself (as some grown up to assist you). Then it's time to put in some melody, the most common way is to sample some old Kraftwerk tunes. If you don't have any Kraftwerk records you could use a random number bass and let a cat walk over the keyboard when the synthesizer is set to some fancy sound. Then you must think of the lyrics of the tune. The easiest way to do this is to open a dictionary and pick a word. Then you just pick some kid of the street and let him say that work a couple of times. Then the tune is finished and the kid gets all the money, fame and girl. Hey, no one said this was easy! MUSIC, working as a DJ If you just are to play techno at a rave or something, like can be very easy. There are several records with techno ready mixed so you just have to start one of those and then concentrate on the actual as a DJ, to get as many girls as possible in bed. This is often very easy because as DJ you have the power over what tunes to play and you'd be amazed what girls can do to to have their favorite tune played. You see that techno can be rewarding as well! ------------------------------------------------------------------------- This file is (c)opyrighted material, but spreading if free under certain conditions. Se the uXu index for details. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- uXu #218 Underground eXperts United 1994 uXu #218 Call DUNGEON SYSTEMS INC. -> +1-410-263-2258 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

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