Digital Underground - uXu - Underground eXperts United #uxu-277

### ### ### ### ### #### ### ### ### #### ### ### ##### ### ### ### ### ### ### ### ### ### ##### ### ### ########## ### ### ########## ### ### ### ### Underground eXperts United Presents... ####### ## ## ####### # # ####### ####### ####### ## ## ## ## ##### ## ## ## #### ## ## #### # # ####### ## ## ## ## ## ## ##### ## ## ## ## ## ####### ####### # # ####### ## ## [ Boy Racer ] [ By Pivic ] ____________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________ BOY RACER written by Pivic I read in the evening paper that the doctor of <X> had prescribed heavy dosages of Mozart in order to make him hear certain frequencies again. If the doctor had stated that himself, would not less people believe it? I live a humble life. I have just broken up with my girlfriend and I got involved in a new relationship yesterday. Well, we have met now and then before, but at that time our interests were mostly directed towards simple needs: sex. We met at... and... And I do not really know if I can refer to her as my girl. Actually, I share her with another guy. Her boyfriend. I say that she is my girl, while she claims that I am just one of her boys. That drives me up the wall, I do not like it. But she says that she will drop him any day now, but I just cannot believe her. She just mess around and it seems like she wants both of us. I can understand, even though it has never happened to me nor to anyone I know, that someone might be able to love two people at the same time. And it has never crossed my mind that she might just want to exploit one of us. I never get angry when I discover the bad parts about girls, but if they fool around or just use me for their own pleasures, I get mad. It does not show, according to my friends, but I can mourn over dead love several months after it has been flushed down the drain. So, imagine how afraid I am about her fooling around. She is fooling around, with me, but that is different. Still, it feels bad - for me and, of course, the other guy! He does not know anything. She always say that she will kick him out of her life since they are not coming along very well. Hmm. One day it is not good and the other day it is just fine. two days later Problem. She has not left him yet. When I asked her why, she said that she needed more time. I did not understand what she meant, but to seem understanding I claimed the opposite. Then she said that she loved me, and even though I did not show any feelings, I fell for her like a stone. A couple of minutes later, she said that I am usually boring. However, the reason why she still keeps in touch might be the fact that she is only sixteen. I am not very old myself, but, honestly speaking, I have never been so much in love with someone as I am with her. I do not really know how I would feel if she took her 'first' guy in favor of me. I do not fancy being the other man. She says that he is beginning to understand what is going on. Actually, I have been in a situation that is very much like this one. But then the girl had no boyfriend and we were younger than now. Naturally, the problems in question seemed bigger at the time. I wanted her, but for other reasons than I want... the girl of today. She teased me and it all ended with me dumping her. I could not take it any more so I threw her away, mourned a little, and then it was over. But this particular girl is fucking different. one day later I have done it. I have done it. But I cannot understand why. I want her, what have I done? Perhaps I have given her something that is more nice than myself. Or, I have again misunderstood some girl's feelings for me. She just does not seem to be interested in me - and her relationship with the other man seems to work out now. Anyway, I have sent her a letter that explains that it would be better if she stayed with her 'first' man. I cannot talk to her. seven hours and thirty-three minutes later She just sighed and said 'oh' when I called her to tell what I had sent to her. I just could not only send her things. It did not feel cowardly, just wrong. She said that her relationship with him was doomed, and that there was no way it would survive the summer. Still, I did not feel good. She began to explain weird metaphors and when I said 'if this is the way it is going to be when we are together the things I wrote might be the right thing' she just sighed more. I thought she had suddenly understood what I had written, and also that she wanted it to be like that. However, I then realized that I wanted her even more than before. She had changed my life. She fills me with more love than anyone else. It all came so fast, and we began to talk at the same time. Then we both said 'You first!' together. She began to laugh, I laughed with my mouth shut. I said something about that I would never stop loving her. It sounds stupid, but I really meant it at the time. She began to laugh once again and I took it as a personal insult. I didn't say anything though. It was as an omen: if we would come back to each other, I would sit around in a corner while she laughed at me. I considered drinking myself to death. Well, I actually ought to. The whole goddamn room is leaning. I am a heavy drinker right now. My whole damn head feels fucking heavy and I drink because I want to forget her easily. It is not a very good method, since it gives the opposite result. I think of her one-hundred percent more now than normally. I hope that I will not throw up. one day later (not twenty-four hours this time) The floor does not stink anymore. Yeah, I dropped the bottle when I fell asleep and I also thought it was a great idea to empty it in the crack in the floor. Better to do it here than in the hallway. I called her up and asked a lot of questions. She said that I sounded strange and she wanted to know what I had done. I told her the truth. When She laughed and said that I was the only one to blame, I hung up. I could not take it. She neither, because she called me up two seconds later. She wondered what the hell I thought I was doing. I explained that I just could not stand being laughed at right now. 'Oh' she said. Silence. She said I sounded like a wino and then she laughed again. I did not hang up. I needed someone to talk to. She said that it felt nice to hear my voice again, and my body began to shiver at once. I stuttered the words 'It is nice to hear your voice too' but I immediately regret saying it. She laughed, and I could not feel my body - just my head, and especially the area around my ears, something that I... and then her doorbell rang. She asked me to wait. "Hello!" someone said, then a kiss. She returned. "I've got company. I must go. Bye!" I felt like crying, but since I am a man I cannot cry. That is out of the question. two days later I have been out quite a lot now. During that time she has been away. I told her to call me, and perhaps she has done that. I have not been able to take any calls at all, because the phone company has cut my cables. Besides, I have been busy. I think she does not want me. It does not feel anymore. You need to be able to keep your distance. If not, you could go home and cry at once. five days later Now it is over. She knows that it is over, but I refuse to accept it. I still have not really understood it completely. I know she can change everything and make me fall in love with her again. After that, I will give it a little rest. Anywey, in this fuckin Disneyland shite, this daft cunt in a bear suit jumps oot in front ay us, ken? Wavin ehs airms aboot n that. The bairn starts fuckin screamin, gied ur a real fright, ken? So ah fuckin panels the cunt, punches the fuckin wide-o in the mooth, or whair ah thought ehs mooth wis, under that suit, ken? Too fuckin right! Disneyland or nae fuckin Disneyland, disnae gie the cunt the excuse tae jump oot in front ay the bairn, ken. (Irvine Welsh, "The Acid House") NOTHING so difficult as a beginning In poetry, unless perhaps the end; For oftentimes, when Pegasus seems winning The race, he sprains a wing, and down we tend, Like Lucifer when hurl'd from heaven for sinning; Our sin the same, and hard as his to mend Being pride, which leads the mind to soar too far, Till our weakness shows us what we are. (Lord Byron) --------------------------------------------------------------------------- uXu #277 Underground eXperts United 1995 uXu #277 Call PhOD BBS -> +55-2129-49984 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

← Svenska e-zines (1990-2008)