Digital Underground - uXu - Underground eXperts United #uxu-311

### ### ### ### ### #### ### ### ### #### ### ### ##### ### ### ### ### ### ### ### ### ### ##### ### ### ########## ### ### ########## ### ### ### ### Underground eXperts United Presents... ####### ## ## ####### # # ####### #### #### ## ## ## ## ##### # ## ## ## #### ## ## #### # # #### ## ## ## ## ## ## ##### # ## ## ## ## ## ####### ####### # # ####### ###### ###### [ Cognitive Neural Hardware And The Nerd ] [ By The GNN ] ____________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________ "COGNITIVE NEURAL HARDWARE AND THE NERD" by THE GNN/DualCrew-Shining/uXu John, award-winning nerd-of-the-month at Junior College, connected the red cable to the little socket on the back of his head and turned on his mighty computer. Then he used his new USRabatnic 1152OO-B Triple (Dual Dual Dual) non-standard modem to connect himself to the local HOT-KEWL-WAREZZ board. ** WELCOME TO THE MONKEY HOUSE! ** Sysop: Dr. Socially Retarded. ** ** Improved H/P/A/Q/W/E/R/T/Y/F/J/LH/G/E/Lc/O/U/%/!/DN/*/|/ area! ** All letters in the English alphabeth welcome! ** Free DLoad! Free ULoad! Free Logout! ** (BTW, Do you say 'Arse 'or 'Ass' in this darn country?) ** ** login: Body-Builder ** Passw: xxx He produced enormous amounts of drool as he scanned the file-areas, looking for the latest new and cool games to his computer. He was lucky this day since... *** ROOMIV.ZYP "ROOM IV - CRACKED'N TRAINED BY PLEBS CREW" ... happened to be available for download. Rumors said that ROOM IV was the most violent game around these days. Blood thirsty androids wanted to crush the players skull as he walked around in a post-war environment killing everything within sight... and so on. He decided to download it immediately and play it until he died. *** ALERT: Not enough space on drive C: "No! Damn! Shit! This cannot not be true! No!" John shouted to himself. He thought (something he seldom did nowadays) for a while, then he got a brilliant idea. He checked the neural B: drive. Yes! If he managed to free a few megs, he would be able to store the game temporarily there. He just had to remove something from the B: drive for a while. He decided to pack his speech-center and store it on the HD for a few minutes. It was really no big deal, since he would not talk to anyone right now anyway. **> SPEECH.ZYP The download went fine. He stashed the file in his brain and checked the HD again, looking for something worthless to get rid of. He decided to remove the directory INCOMING, due to the fact that he needed not anything from that dir anymore. (He recalled that he had already moved the latest porno-pictures to the MASTURBATION-DELUXE directory a few days ago.) **> DELTREE INCOMING "Now, down with the game file to the HD, unpack it and go!" he yelled. His sweaty fingers (almost as wet as his arm pits) typed in an advanced speed as he moved the file. Before he went on a rampage in the game, he just needed to get the file that contained his speech-center back to the brain. *** INCOMING: No such file on directory. What a mistake. He had just deleted that dir. Since he was not familiar with the command UNDEL, he rushed to the phone and called a friend. Roger, award-winning nerd-forever, stored a tonne of different neural applications on his computer. Ring. "This is Roger speaking." "GLAHH AAHLL GAH GAAA!" "Fucking pervert..." <click> Oops. "Kinda hard to talk to other people without verbal communication applications available," John thought. Thankfully, Roger lived just a few blocks away, so he slit the cable out of the computer and ran to his house in less than two minutes. "Hey, what are you doing here?" John pointed at his mouth and head. "GLAH! GLAAAAAH! AGHAALAA!!" "Oh, so it was you... well, come on in then." "GAHLA." Roger understood the situation. (he had accidentally crashed his whole B: drive a few weeks ago, thus lost his ability think (no one noticed that) for a couple of days, so he kinda knew how easy it was to make a mistake). **> cd speech **> dir "I've got a lot of them.... I'll give you the latest one, ok?" "GLAH." **> copy S-SPEECH.ZYO B: After the file was copied to his brain, John quickly unpacked it and copied the contents to the speech directory. "How do you feel?" Roger asked. "Kanner mig helt okay." "Excuse me?" "MEN VAD I HELVETE AR DET HAR?" They checked the file again. *** FILE_ID.DIZ : 'S-SPEECH, *SWEDISH VERSION*' "Oh no, a slight miscalculation.." "DET KAN MAN LUNGT SAGA DIN JAVLA IDIOT!" They looked around for the English version for a few minutes. Luckily enough, they found it at once at ALT.NEURAL.APPLICATIONS.VERBAL. The installation went fine and John could speak an understandable language again. "Finally..." he mumbled, before he went to the door to go home. But his arms refused to move as he tried to turn the knob. *** NOTE: S-SPEECH ENGLISH WILL OVERWRITE YOUR AUTOEXEC.BAT. ** *** REMEMBER TO BACK UP, TA TA. *AMATEUR CODERS ASSOCIATION* "... which means that we, kinda, lost the command line that controls your arms..." "WHAT?" By modifying the .bat file and copying yet another file to his brain, they managed to get his arms to work again. *** ARM/LEG/MAXI-CONTROL by NEURAL INC *SHAREWARE VERSION* "Shareware?" "Uh, nothing to worry about. Works fine. (For thirty days...)" Since John did not hear the last sentence, he trusted his friend and went home to play ROOM IV (the most violent game around these days.) *** Not enough memory to play ROOM IV. "Oops." He turned the computer off, and then on again. He halted the startup to free some more memory. It worked just fine. Unfortunately, that also meant that he had no virus-killer in memory, so... *** YOUR COMPUTER IS ALIVE *** AND EVEN BETTER - IT IS INFECTED WITH THE AlARM VIRUS *** KISS YOUR FUNKY C: AND B: DRIVES GOOD BYE *** SUCKER HAR HAR HAR \/\/E RooLe TI-IiS \/\/0RLD! ...became his last thought in this part of the universe. ///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// Tactical Neural Implant. Time to check out: http://www.update.uu.se/~gnn don't you think? \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ L'etre et le neant. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- uXu #311 Underground eXperts United 1996 uXu #311 Call THE ESCAPADE MACABRE -> +1-206-565-0786 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

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