Digital Underground - uXu - Underground eXperts United #uxu-379

### ### ### ### ### #### ### ### ### #### ### ### ##### ### ### ### ### ### ### ### ### ### ##### ### ### ########## ### ### ########## ### ### ### ### Underground eXperts United Presents... ####### ## ## ####### # # ####### ####### ####### ## ## ## ## ##### # ## ## ## ## #### ## ## #### # # #### ## ####### ## ## ## ## ##### # ## ## ## ## ## ####### ####### # # ####### ## ####### [ Alienated Relationships ] [ By The GNN ] ____________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________ ALIENATED RELATIONSHIPS by THE GNN/DualCrew-Shining/uXu Interpersonal relations of the kind we refer to as 'love' are complex matters. If conducted the right way, they can offer happiness and a life filled with joy. Conducted the wrong way, misery and depression will be the case. In this file, I will present an outline of five different relationships that are essentially conducted the wrong way (Balance of Terror, Show-Off, Dominators, The Trapped and Everything is Wonderful). I am not claiming that these examples are the only ones available in our huge world, nor would I like to say that my descriptions of them are perfect. It is up to the reader if he or she will accept my statements, or draw other conclusions. What must be remembered, however, when studying these different relationships is that the persons involved actually fancy each other. But they are unable to enjoy their love to the fullest extent, due to their inability to cope with various problems. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= (1) BALANCE OF TERROR In such a relationship, A (and perhaps even B too) suffers from certain personal problems. These problems are so deep that A refuse to cope with them - not even for the sake of the relation with B. There is a sense of selfishness in effect in this case. A believes that her/his problems are the most important factors in her/his life (i.e., even more important than the relationship itself). To a certain extent, this is really true: the problems _are_ great, since they make A's life essentially fragmented and incoherent. But still, A refuse to really deal with them (since it is a somewhat difficult task). Instead, A will fall into depression, self-destructive behavior (like suicide attempts) and so on. B will notice the destructive behavior of A, and this is naturally very distressing for B. Since B cares for A, he or she does not want A to behave like that. So what will B do? Do he/she help A to get to the real problems and deal with them? Unfortunately not. Instead, B offers a 'balance of terror'. When A becomes depressed, B will become even more depressed. If the A tries to commit suicide with a knife, B will try to kill himself/herself with a gun. For short: whatever A tries to do, B will do the same, but with more energy and force. In the end, A will not dare to do anything at all, since he or she is afraid that B will do something even worse. But even though the self-destructive behavior might not be that obvious anymore, after the balance of terror has worked out, it is still there. Why that is the case is simple: the balance of terror solves no real problems, only their symptoms. (2) SHOW-OFF The show-off couple suffers from an inability to discuss their problems with each other. Their only way to be able to do so is with other people around them, people that they can use as 'help' when the discussion becomes too painful. Talking about personal matters are not all that easy, that is a fact. Sometimes, it is even harder to talk about personal problems with a person that is clearly involved as a part of the problems. And this is something that the 'show-off' couple suffers from. In the privacy of their own home, the couple will hardly discuss anything at all, except for daily matters. But when other people that they know well come into the picture, the show begins. It usually starts with a simple quarrel over something less important, but as the hours pass by, it increases into screams concerning deeply felt emotions (no positive ones though) concerning the other part. Just as the couple are on their way to reach the real problem with their relationship, they run away from each other, and seeks cover at a friend. Then, with the friend, they discuss the real problem. When finished, they return to each other to continue arguing. But they never ever come to the real problems when discussing with each other, since they dare not to. They are afraid that their relationship may come to an end if they talk about such matters, and it is because of this they flee to friends. (If you are going to throw a party, be sure to not invite a couple that are alienated from each other in this way. They will ruin the whole evening by constantly demanding the people to pay attention to the couple's private problems.) (3) DOMINATORS A dominator is a person that needs to be in control. One dominator in a relationship could cause problems if the other part does not fancy being dominated. But in such cases, they often fall into the (1) or (2) category. If both of the persons are dominators, the effects will be rather different. A double-dominator couple will constantly argue with each other, but their discussions will not be about something important. They argue with each other, not because they want to solve problems, but because they need to control the other part. Since both of the persons want to have the last word, they will keep on arguing forever. Needless to say, this means that their life together will consist of nothing more than eternal discussions without a point. Eventually, however, one of the two persons might give up and become a pseudo- dominated person. 'Pseudo', since the person is in fact, still a dominator. He or she will not accept this position. Due to this, adultery is very common among dominators, since they constantly look for another person to dominate. (There is a subgroup to this relationship that acts exactly like raging dominators, but is different in the aspect that they actually want the other person to dominate too. The reason for this is sexual. They spend their days dominating each other in public, arguing and fighting, just for the sake of the sexual act that will follow later: a so-called 'reconciliation-fuck'. They 'hate' each other now and then, so they will be able to show their affection by 'forgiving' each other later.) (4) THE TRAPPED A couple that is trapped are unable to break up, even though they ought to. The reason for this could be various. For example, A dare not leave B since A believes that B will break down completely if their relationship ends. But on the other hand, B is also aware that he/she would in fact break down if the relation came to an end; so, in a sense, both are trapped. Unlike the dominators, the trapped couple will not argue with each other. On the contrary, they will hardly even talk to each other. They spend their time with each other in silence, thinking about their annoying situation. It is possible for the trapped couple to stay with each other all their life, experiencing a constant feeling of anxiety. They want to talk to each other, they want to tell the other part about how they feel, but they dare not. A trapped couple could _look_ like a category (5) couple, but they do not belong to that category. If they do not stick to each other their whole life, however, it is possible that _the result_ will be equal to the end that awaits the category (5) couple. But that is not always the case. (5) EVERYTHING IS WONDERFUL This is a relationship that will come to a horrible end. The couple do suffer from fundamental problems, but they deny this fact not only in front of others, but also in front of themselves. They try to live their life like if their relationship actually were wonderful, but they are more or less aware of the truth that it is built upon a lie. Even though the problems might be rather simple, they never deal with them. Instead, they suppress them, and this will slowly increase the simple problems into giant ones. Unlike the category (4) couple, these persons talk to each other. But their discussions will be far away from the real problems. They look like they are happy together, while in fact they are not. It is often quite easy to detect if a couple are like this, because their false behavior will shine through. If you discover that a couple among your friends are an EIW-couple, take cover. The way this relationship will end is not a funny sight. Since it is a hard and tiresome work to constantly try to look happy, the couple will sooner or later become worn out. When this happens, they will suddenly turn into two persons that behave as if they came directly from hell. Through the years, they have suppressed their feelings to that extent that simple annoyance will turn into anger and hate. If they do not kill each other, they will spend the rest of their lives in something that is not wonderful, but terrible. Due to the monstrous and uncontrollable rage they experience when they have reached this point, it is common that they bring other people (friends, relatives, etc.) with them into the terrible life that awaits them. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= It should be mentioned that the above examples are not relationships that are beyond help. The remedy for all such problems is not psychological games, alienation or self-deception, but intimacy, honesty, and the most important factor of all: real communication, in time. One cannot, however, teach someone what 'real communication' really is. This is something that everyone knows what it is, but often denies, since it is sometimes a very painful thing to bring forward. But suppressed pain will not stay suppressed forever. It will, sooner or later, come to the surface. And the pain that then will be the case is far more hellish than the pain one would experience if the problems were discussed the very moment they came up. You better understand those simple facts, not only for your own sake but also for mine. I am sick and tired of spending time with alienated, narrow- minded and self-occupied couples. Okay? ////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// No one is a 'persona non grata' when it comes to uXu! Join us! Write a file! Send it to: uxu-request@lysator.liu.se \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ Nerd Wide Web. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- uXu #379 Underground eXperts United 1997 uXu #379 Call UNPHAMILIAR TERRITORY -> telnet upt.org ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

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