Digital Underground - uXu - Underground eXperts United #uxu-459

### ### ### ### ### #### ### ### ### #### ### ### ##### ### ### ### ### ### ### ### ### ### ##### ### ### ########## ### ### ########## ### ### ### ### Underground eXperts United Presents... ####### ## ## ####### # # ## ## ####### ####### ## ## ## ## ##### ## ## ## ## ## #### ## ## #### # # ####### ####### ####### ## ## ## ## ##### ## ## ## ## ## ####### ####### # # ## ####### ####### [ Erratic Sleep ] [ By Marie Kazalia ] ____________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________ red squirrel dreaming detailed road driving motorcycle slow Look away Lift my hands up/ over my head Front wheel hits dried mud-rut --I fall crashing to the ground JUMP AWAKE startled don't know if I called out screaming Doesn't matter nobody cares in this hotel anyway That film at Hong Kong film festival began with motorcycle crashing onto the sandy beach where a man stands deciding to kill himself in the ocean--over a woman Rushes over to the rider down on the sand in a helmet--removes--discovers a young woman who doesn't remember who she is-- ambulance takes her to hospital where the man gives her name as his x-girlfriend the one he nearly died over A scene in his apartment hip musician Tight-shot on a wall framed antique etching a woman's enormous French-ass rough-terrain wide rutted Someone has found big-buxom-buttocks sexy-- I have yet to find someone like that of course mine are rounded 2 perfectly globular telescoping cheeks ....and in the end you begin to question your own ability to ask yourself the right questions Searching for answers more doubtful of the validity to answer the question-- More unsure of who you are why you are living writing Who wants to read your work? lack of total faith in the ability to go on Marie A. Kazalia 4/6/96 the collective stupidity of people raises my anxiety How does any infant make-it through-- TV news grandmother accidentally drove over her baby grandchild with her car guy who purchased 300 lottery tickets the first day of the California lottery Certain his "system" would beat the odds scratched all 300 in front of his drinking buddies at their hangout bar-- ALL 300 hundred--without winning even five dollars--scratched the last loser then broke-down crying -- My mother used to over-boil corn on the cob fresh corn--overcooked--she poked the COB with a fork to see if it was done-- My sisters & brother and I used to call each other: PAIN! YOU'RE A PAIN The idea that I could do as I pleased ---follow my own way-- tell people that's what I'm doing Thinking my sisters, mother, and other defunct/insignificant people would be glad for me... People attached to each other exchanging significant eye contact each thinking: OH he/she has A THING for me-- That fallacy more exciting than reality-- Marie A. Kazalia 4/6/96 Burning Down the House my mother came back to get her things while my father at work--- entire set of Melmac, bowls, cups, plates She left behind with her Bauer bowls in otherwise empty cupboards-- when she moved out She took the refrigerator all the furniture--some big guys put everything into a truck Except the Melmac & Bauer bowls and the family photos in an old winter coat box-- All my childhood toys in the basement My father came home to a nearly empty house no bed, barely a chair to sit down on My mother in her new apartment gloating He changed the front and back door locks afterward, then said: WONDER WHY I DIDN'T THINK OF CHANGING THEM BEFORE-- Sheepish that Lois had won another round When I told her that Melmac & Bauer had become collectors items--she actually tried to slip back to the house alone but couldn't get in-- He worked nights, used to my sisters in the house now I was alone--eventually I found life in a new town with the old lady much more interesting-- When I came back to see my father he had all new furniture--nothing fancy all the old Melmac and old toys gone-- He'd made a fire, took all that stuff out and burned it-- I told him those toys sell for ten times their original price at collector fairs-- He seemed surprised--but said OH WELL, I FELT BETTER AFTERWARD Marie A. Kazalia 2/26/95 catching-up on half-a-lifetime of lost sleep if I get into a relationship with a man a lover for anything other than sincere reasons Find in the end I've lost so much more than I've gained, but then-- When I get into a relationship for the reasons most people say I should-- physical attraction romance Just liking someone first-- having that turn into something more I don't lose the same things but eventually something is gone my freedom or my love or worse perhaps money from my purse or my travel journals from a year spent in a 3rd world country Get upset Spend all my time suffering instead of accomplishing anything beneficial So lose myself Now staying out of relationships like that --lack of desire-- with encouragement from my therapist The medication she prescribes helps me I sleep inordinate amounts of time When before--my sleep routinely erratic for years I'd forgotten that wasn't right to me, not sleeping at night normal Sleep during daylight If I have to get/go out wear dark glasses talking about how my eyes sensitive to bright light Now my head clear, feel rested I'm working through some painful memories With the help of my therapist, I talk with once a week, One hour usually-- Marie A. Kazalia 1/23/96 Flash-forward illusion Never had the guts to tell anyone officially-- that I suspect my LSD trip several years prior suddenly returned for a few moments just as I drove into a time warp Shifting-down, in my orange VW bus-- Gliding into the left turn lane Great arrow green just kept on turning through the intersection Crossing in front of a new Fiat smashing into my front windshield popping out metal crumpling faster than I can pull my feet away catching my big toe in Birkenstock Some guy with a crow-bar prys me out gave my statement to the cop He came to the hospital later tactfully telling me THERE IS NO LEFT TURN LANE OR GREEN ARROW AT THAT INTERSECTION Shocked silent on top of my smash-up stitches in knee and foot MY OWN BRAIN TRYING TO KILL ME-- I thought --A COUPLE YEARS LATER-- the same kind of flash-back tries to get me in a different intersection in another city But I just drove my Opel straight-on-through bravely dissolving the power of that brain quirk Marie A. Kazalia 2/26/96 movement in sync with universal time crossing the busy street--4 lanes don't bother waiting for pedestrian cross-walk universal figure to light the way---Cut across at any angle----time the flow with my steps-- liquid motions Cars speeding fast---not caught like some dork standing on a street corner waiting for the light to change/Mistaken as a prostitute Walking between two white lines-- guy pulls over---asks how much? Nothing discreet about it--where are the cops My manner/clothes/style unusual SO people make-up little stories Roles they think I fit into-----but they could never recognize who or what I am----- So different than most people--so unusual I'm at a loss for words---poet Koon Woon only understands-----male version of myself-- only he's bi-polar----and I'm a border-line schizoid personality Knew a younger more-adventurous version of myself; Stephanie Pugh--will become a famous writer in her old-age, according to a Japanese fortune teller who read her palm in a Tokyo club-- ONE NIGHT-- When I ran into Alton my clothes all new my job non-existent-- He made-up some story about me saying: IT'S OBVIOUS YOU'RE BEING KEPT-- Not the case-- But somehow I'm able to do only as I choose-- What's the point of living, otherwise? Marie A. Kazalia 4/7/96 Those McPeople call all non-MacIntosh/Apple computers P C's isn't that sort of like calling all homosexual men: gay but homosexual women: lesbian They're both gay aren't they? But not both lesbian-- can she understand my body bruised swollen bounced around off metal in that auto accident-- That I couldn't hug her it hurt too much so we suffered individually together too painful to say the words make the excuse Only the real thing caring mattered I couldn't give it or I would have----------------------- Marie A. Kazalia 4/7/96 how I like to dress, so I won't fit in anywhere I go like doing certain things wearing designer shoes walking through the nearby Hispanic ghetto Hoping I won't be mistaken for a prostitute---(which I'm not) most beautiful things should be worn in the dirtiest most disgusting places-- My black Italian flats stepping over human dung mostly small piles from children who swarm around me laughing at my predicament mistakenly walking down a dead-end toilet-street in Madras, India filthy children's hands beg for rupees Mock and ridicule whatever I say-- Get out of that filthy dung street hoping I didn't catch anything flies children I'm looking for a bakery Pass a bakery I refuse to enter those Shit flies probably get in there sit on the sweet breads leaving yuck who knows-- Designer evening shoes clothes in any poverty hell-hole In Beverly Hills old worn-out jeans & shoes-- feel myself in the sun happy inside for a couple moments Always at odds with prevailing ethic Marie A. Kazalia 4/7/96 SHOWER WRITING I'm going-to design a workable version of my vinyl shower & bath note-pad and waxy pencils that won't melt at normal bath temperatures So would probably need to extent the temperature above that for sauna/Jacuzzi/ hot-tub users--for people who get all their best ideas bathing--But forgotten by the time they've dried off--This blank page note pad will also come with other optional versions contemporary poet series for people who hate wasting time must do several things simultaneously---and the masturbatory version of bi-eroticism exaggeration, here-say put into action, condescension condensation, expansion altering embellishment, falsehoods, fantasy--- Marie A. Kazalia 4/7/96 drinking water ----I still remember easily summer my dad taught me to drink from a rubber garden hose attached to an outside faucet-- Too dirty from gardening to go inside for a drink--- long green hose in the sun first water came out warm-- after a few moments cold water flowing bend my face way-over to keep water from my chest and feet-- The day upstairs in my pollack friend's house-- she too afraid of her drunken father to go down and get a glass-- Showed me how to get a drink from bathroom sink faucet--- Me realizing how cared & pampered I'd been, up until then--Not out of great love, but out-of great fear---my mother's That something might happen to me-- Not that she cares so much about my loss-- But how SHE would suffer from it-- emotionally mentally unable to handle tragedy would take all her thoughts and energy for too long-- she didn't want to deal with all of that already had enough trouble getting out of bed making dinner-- how I rebelled against her hitchhiking but all that was long ago Today I drink water from sink faucet in my crummy hotel room-- Too afraid I'll be seen--afraid to go out in the hall Use the toilet I Piss in the sink--- Marie A. Kazalia 7/8/96 --------------------------------------------------------------------------- uXu #459 Underground eXperts United 1998 uXu #459 ftp://ftp.lysator.liu.se/pub/texts/uxu/ ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

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